A Miracle's a Miracle Even When It's Ordinary

So you know how you often have those random periods of enlightenment in your life where you find out that you really don't know anything?  Maybe that's just me, but I've definitely been having one for a while now.  It's so weird.  I'm not saying that I know a lot, but I got to a point where I couldn't reasonably accept the fact that the human brain could hold so much information consciously at one time.  That sounds really weird, but hopefully I'll be able to make a little more sense.

I always feel like when I learn something new, I forget something else.  Like I can only hold so much information before my brain starts recycling.  Like I know all I can know at this moment. I know thatmight sound completely retarded, but what are you gonna do, right?  Haha.

It's just funny to see how much my perspectives on so many things have been changed since I moved out and started going to college.  I mean, I go home ALL the time, so it's not like a huge change or anything, but still, I've been somewhere that's not Murray or Clayton for the last 8 months.  It's interesting to see what things are different.  What things matter to people that I never thought about before.  Things that I accepted as normal, but really were only normal where I had grown up.  

I expect a cultural leap when I go to a different state or country, but it's just so strange to me to have one just 40 minutes from my home.  There's people here at BYU from so many different states and cultures, and it's amazing to see them all come together and be a part of it in my own unusual way.  If I try to look past the creepy things I dislike about Provo, it's actually pretty amazing.  (This is for all the people I made feel nervous about coming to BYU :P)  BYU is the 2nd most desired school to get into in the whole US.  People try so hard and put so much effort into getting accepted.  They work to get scholarships and move so far away from home, just for this opportunity.  And here I am wanting more than anything to get out.  It makes me feel a little strange.  

I feel a little ungrateful.  I'm very grateful for the scholarship that I got, and for the opportunity to come to BYU, but the fact that I didn't really work that hard for it makes me feel weird.  I mean, I didn't work any harder than usual, so maybe I'm just used to it, but I don't know.

One of my new favorite quotes is one that I pass every time I come back to Provo from Murray.  It's flashed up along with a few others on the sign at Thanksgiving Pointe.  It says, "Only a mediocre person is always at his best."  The first few times I read it I didn't really think about it, but one time as I was driving past it, it just made sense.  I had been sitting there thinking about how I feel like such a slacker because I feel like I haven't had to work for many of the opportunities that I've been given in my life, and because of that, I always feel so guilty and unworthy when I don't do perfectly.  

There are so many of these things, like being in Synergy, getting to go to RYLA, getting into BYU with a scholarship, etc.  I feel like I'm an ungrateful person for not being at my best.  That quote made me feel so much better because it just reminded me of the fact that everything is a process, and only a mediocre person is at their best.  If I was perfect, what fun would there be?  There'd be no more to learn, there'd be nothing to work for, and nothing to overcome.

My brother was talking about how he liked pain.  I joked and called him a freaky masochist, but I knew what he meant.  He didn't mean that he enjoyed being hurt, what he meant was that he enjoyed being able to overcome something like that.  Being able to trip and fall on your face and stand up with a black eye and just laugh it off.  To prove that you're more powerful than the physical.  I like that so much.  We can overcome something so simple.

I know I may not be making sense or connecting in the way I mean to, but as I always say, I'm writing this mostly for my own benefit, and if someone else gets something out of it, GREAT!!  :D  If not, whatever, just don't hate me because it's long, hahaha.

But anyways, these two things go together so well for me right now.  I have to overcome my insecurities about not being perfect, and stop second guessing myself.  Yesterday in church there were two things that really stood out to me.  One was when the bishop was answering questions (Not to copy you or anything Stace, I promise it's something different!), and I can't remember the exact question he was answering, but he was talking about how impossible perfection is.  I admit, I was only half listening because I'm a dork, but some part of me picked up the parts I needed to hear.  It's okay to be imperfect, as long as we're trying our hardest.  The other thing was one of the girls who was bearing her testimony (I think it was Jae Dansie) and she mentioned that she had faith in the little things, like praying to find your keys, but had a harder time when it came to the bigger things.  

I don't have that exact problem, but it seemed somewhat similar to me still.  I've had a lot of time to think in my car (the best place because no one's there to distract me!!) and I've been thinking about faith.  I have faith, I've always had faith, but my biggest problem is that while I have undoubting faith in God, I doubt people, mostly myself.  Kind of like how people can have the faith TO heal, but the people also need the faith to BE healed.  I don't doubt when I hear or see miracles, like a story my uncle told before he died about a dream he had.  I won't share that, because I don't know if it's too personal to my family, but it's one of the big faith things that I have never doubted.  But there are things like being healed, or receiving answers to prayers, where I just don't have enough faith in myself.  It's like I'm saying to myself, why should I deserve this?  Why would God help me with this when he doesn't have to?  I mean, I know the answers, I've been taught them my entire life, but for some reason I'm just having trouble with it.  And it's like, I can prayer for faith that my prayers are answered, and I receive that with the little things, like I pray to be able to help someone, and I do.  Or I pray to know what to do, and I know.  But there are some things that I think, I can't pray about this until I'm more worthy of God's help.  I hate thinking that way, because how do I become worthy of his help without his help?  It's a stupid paradox that I've set up in my brain and can't seem to get rid of.

That's why I've been so grateful to be able to come back to Murray and be with my friends who are so faithful in that way in particular.  I hear stories from them that I'm sure they don't realize I think about so much, but they help me in such unexpected ways.  Like I told Stacey with the movies and how desensitized I had become.  She off-handedly mentioned something about how uncomfortable a particular scene had made her and I had to seriously think for a long time about what scene she had possibly been talking about.  When I finally realized which one she meant, I felt a little guilty, haha.  I had thought it was pretty tame, but I was COMPARING it to other movies.  Bad idea.  If I rationalize which movies I watch by comparing them to each other, what good is that going to do me since ALL of the movies are getting worse?  I need to pick a line that doesn't move even if the rating system does.

It's little things like that which make me really realize the things I need to be focusing on and the things that will help me.  Thanks friends :D  Haha, you're the best.  

Another one of my favorites is when Jon was saying the prayer before a performance for Synergy and he said, instead of the all too common "please bless us to perform to the best of our abilities," he snuck in "please bless us to perform to the best of thy ability."  I wasn't sure if  I had heard correctly or if he had done it on purpose until I asked him later (yes to both), but it struck me really hard all of a sudden at that performance.  Tying in the rest of my rant, I'm not using my own ability for anything, I'm using God's ability.  Or rather, he's letting me.  It's through him and the spirit that I have a brain in the first place (yes, I'm pretty sure it's there) and can hold so much more information than I can possibly fathom right now.  It's because of him that I can have the opportunity to work my way through my own problems, and even if I feel unworthy or lacking even if I'm working hard, it just means that I'm progressing.  It's through him that I have great friends that can help me realize my own faith and help me keep my own standards.  In short, I LOVE LIVING!!!  Even if it's scary sometimes :D

Woot.  I swear one of these days I'm gonna scare you all off with how longwinded I am, but whatever.  Deal with it.  Buahahahaha!!!!  Much love!