Because I was only 5 when we moved to Utah, most of the people there thought I was Ashley at first. It was funny when they realized I wasn't, and that I was actually only 19. Bwahahaha, one day I will rule the world with misinterpretations and strange impressions! It's like a talent.
All of this was actually quite fun, so now I'll get to the 'interesting' part, which I'm sure you're all oh so very interested in yourselves. Yes, I'm talking about you. You know you wanna know. I know you know you wanna know. Aaaaaaaand here we go---
So there was this guy my parents knew named after a certain famous LDS prophet. Hahaha. He was their age, maybe a little older. He seemed like a pretty cool successful guy, but that was just my first impression. He stayed and talked to us for a bit. And talked. And talked. And ignored us. And talked. Woof. He talked about himself and his oh so very, very wise business ventures, his success with stocks, his son's success with business, success, success, success. It got to the point where I was staring stoically out the window trying not to be sarcastic, my dad was staring inwards trying not to yawn, my mom was staring over Jo's head trying not to sigh ridiculously loud, and Adam was staring at his hands with his nostrils flared horrendously and squinting to prevent absurd levels of laughter. These things be only the tip of yon ice-berg. Body of afore-mentioned berg as follows: He starts talking about how all his success is due to God's hand. Okay, that's cool. I agree, I'm religious and that's what my beliefs are as well. Yay. But he was RIDICULOUS! Totally overconfident man trying to seem humble by overstating how 'small' a role he played in his own 'enormous' success. I've known plenty of people who were not only more successful at life, but much more successful at being humble as well. Humility not being my strong suit, I know I should have little room to speak, but it gets better, so I must share. Now we're all just sitting with glazed eyes trying to decide on a tactful way to run for our lives, and he starts talking about his work in the temple. Cool. We all try to be respectful of that at least, so we all start listening. I'm still staring out the window, mind you, but I'm listening at least. He's talking about how his grandfather never got to marry his first love because of her untimely death, and how he just recently got the opportunity to seal them together. That's awesome, genuinely cool for him. Kudos cocky man. Kudos. Then strikes a serious case of malopropism, ensuing hilarity soon to follow. We goes on to the next topic, closing his previous topic with "so after consumating their marriage I went on to...." We all stopped listening at this point. Adam looks over at me for a co-conspirator in suppressing histerical laughter. I continue staring out the window and say quietly, "ya, I heard. hehe." My mom leans over without making eye contact and says "we'll have to talk about this later." My mom had to get up and leave.
Now at this point we're all just thinking this man is ridiculous. Then he starts Gospel Grilling my brother. His punchline and point for this was to lead up to "But do you know when the 2nd coming is?" Adam: ".....no.....2015? Hahaha, just kidding, I have no idea. We're not supposed to know." (Awkward laughter as he realizes our self proclaimed faux prophet is being serious) "Do...you?" Jo: "Well....." and here he proceeds to give us some mathematical and symbolic explanation as to why it's going to happen in the year 2030. For sure. Like, he was dead serious. Then he says "It says in the scriptures that no man shall know the day or the time, but it doesn't say we can't know the year. God means what he says and says what he means." Then he stands up and leaves. What an exit.
As my brother and I sit there in complete shock, I lean over and say "This man has a theme song. Would you like to hear it?" Well of course. HERE IT GOES!!!
"IIIIIIII'm holier than thou, I've got the spirit now! I thank God Almighty that I'm holier than thou!!"
Oh so appropriate. I think I peed a little on the ride home from laughing about the importance of consumating the dead before 2030. Heaven forbid we should all be death bed consumators. hehehehehehehehehehehehe. Oh joy, I may now have to be even more often awkward for kicks and giggles. Be prepared.
Ummm....I'm not proof-reading this, soooooooooo....get over it. Hope it makes sense at least.
Peace out my lovely ducks!
